March 27th, 2003

You can’t wear it on your head, but the

Sound-Light Umbrella

is a must-have for “modern people aspiring after happiness and beauty.”

We are Chong Qing Yun Guang Communication Co., Ltd. located in Chongqing China, which specialize in designing and manufacturing “Sound-Light Umbrella” to meet modern people aspiring after happiness and beauty. We are very pleased to recommend our new products to you. The technology of our innovative products was already applied for patent, patent no. is ZL 97 2 29620. 4. The “Sound-Light Umbrella” has a lovely cartoon or football-shaped light on the top of umbrella with which there is a piece of music or more memorized in CMOS chip. When you lightly press button on the handle of umbrella, the memorized music will work and lamp will be on. The “Sound-Light Umbrella” has been deeply attracted by young people. Our products can be used as gifts, toys, sporting goods, souvenir, decorations and advertising, etc. More information about our products please visit our website*. Our company is second to none in this field. We hope we can establish long-term business relationship on the basis of equality & mutual benefit.

You are welcome to customize the “Sound-Light Umbrella” as per your request. We will sincerely provide our best service to you.

*a website which features a MIDI-version of “Jingle Bells”, dancing flowers and butterflies, along with a Happy Panda carrying what one presumes is a “Sound-Light Umbrella”. and even further information (via violet text on a yellow background):

Brings life more enjoyment and gives more beauty to the world.
“Sound and Light Umbrella” is the new technology manufacture of YunGuang Corporation. And the patent number is 97229620.4. It is the outcome for connecting electronical technology with traditional umbrella. Some graceful music and kinds of voice are memorized in CMOS chip that located in the handle of umbrella. On the top of umbrella there is lovely color light whose shape looks like a cartoon or an idiograph. The color light is flashing while the music is turning. Every one for the special originality welcomed it.
The design and making of “Sound and Light Umbrella”are perfect.. At the same time, the using is simple too. Only to press the button, the sound and light will be shown. And as soon as the music stopped the light turned off too.
Till now we have “toys umbrella”, “sports fans umbrella”, “safety warning umbrella”, “advertising umbrella”, ” art and craft umbrella” and other series. Welcome to order them as your expectation.
“Sound and Light Umbrella” will make your life more wonderful.

With more dancing roses, but “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” this time. You need to click on the “News” button (Sound-Light Umbrella news??!? What could there be?) for a wild MIDI-trip with no discernable melody.

March 27th, 2003

what I meant to say is…

My, aren’t you looking stylish today, sir!

In other words, my resume is now available on-line.

March 27th, 2003

Hire Me,

After months of mailing the most professional and sincere cover letters to no avail, I changed my strategy and began mailing the most ridiculous cover letters imaginable. Finally, rejection letters came pouring in. But I wasn’t disappointed. These rejection letters were received with glee, for they were proof that my idiotic queries were getting attention!

ah-hah! now I’ve got a plan…..

March 27th, 2003

The Fish, and How to Feed Them

Chloe (wearing an umbrella hat, below) has started up an obsessive site documenting her fish (tanks & bowls), their water level change, PH values, ammonia and temperature at
Water Logging. Obsessive, but readable. Nice design, too.

March 27th, 2003

Real Performance Artists Wear Umbrella Hats

four people stylishly displaying thier umbrella attire
John S., Chloe K., Michael P. and Vaness N. are too proud of their hats.
Photo by L. Chloe Kaczenski

The NOAA weather service points out the necessity of wearing umbrella hats
for the modern fisherman as it “frees hands for more important fishing tasks”.

For the amateur, you can buy them from GagWorks.

Fun-and-Folly online has a wide variety of novelty hats including the “stopsign”, “shark attack”, “rubber chicken”, “pig with wings”, a “Deluxe Velvet Alice Mad Hatter” hat for $59.98, and–of course–the ol’ umbrella hat. claims to sell the famed quality original, full-sized TM “Umbrella Hats” Water-resistant nylon.

To make things even more confusing, Cheap Sales Consulting advises us
that they have the “Ultimate Umbrella Hat” and warns “Do not be fooled by phony hats that mostly sell for less money. They will not be authentic or waterproof!” Plus, they have the “Patriotic USA and Puerto Rican” Umbrella Hats embalzoned with the appropriate flag.

Guess neither of them has heard of Robert Patten, inventor of the Umbrella Hat.

Umbrella Hats ROCK!, along with Burger King Crowns,
Mickey Mouse hats, and “Those hats that look like chartoon characters faces”
. So sayeth “CHEETOS!”. A person fond of the “CH” chombination….

Our favorite chapeau made an appearance in a Late Show Top-Ten List in 2001.

points out that For some reason, muggers steer clear of people wearing umbrella hats.

Is it related to the mystic connection between Spiderman and Umbrella Hats??? Only the Michigan State Fair knows for sure.

On another side-note, the Half-Bakery muses on the Umbrella-Coat-Hat combination.

Finally, here’s a couple of cute kids wearing their rain-repellers (at Plympton, MA’s “Strawberry Shortcake Road Race”). Although they’re playing it safe by wearing ponchos as well. Ponchos that say “Cool”. And let’s face it–when you wear an umbrella hat, you are the
epitome of cool.

I wonder why no-one wears them at the Academy Awards?

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